Based on Jeff Foxworthy's: You Might be a Redneck if....

Your idea of fun is sleeping in the woods & reenacting the Civil War, AS A REBEL.
You've ever gone shopping for new clothes at an all night laundromat.
You mow your yard and find three or more cars.
You buy your wife earrings that double as fishin' lures.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined 'cause you ran out of ketchup.
You see no need for a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You've ever hit a bump on the highway and lost half your worldly possessions.
You've ever shot rats at the dump for entertainment.
You refused to watch the Academy Awards 'cause Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed
for best picture.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You've ever peed in an ice machine.
The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of
business.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You've ever cruised laundromats looking for unattended driers to pee in.
Your dog and your wallet are on the same chain.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam
mud flaps.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State
Trooper to kiss her butt.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue
Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube
rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need 1 more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes(?),
a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need
to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will
rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt
and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the
shirt sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big 'ole coon. The one what hangs
'round over yonder, back 'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of
Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is whether you
can lose them or not.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your huntin' dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, & Primer Gray are the three of the
primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's
honor.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your mom calls you over t' hep, cause she has a flat tire...on her house.
The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a
new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell
Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it
has in it.
Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your
engines." or "Play Ball..."
Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
You go to a dance and someone yells ho-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.
The highlight of your evening is grandma coming out of the bathroom yelling,
"Ya'll come look at this before I flush."
Your punch bowl flushes.
You do your Christmas shopping at truck stops.
You have a house that's mobile and seventeen cars in the front yard that aren't.
Your richest relative called you over to help take the wheels off his new house.
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
There is a stuffed possum mounted in your home.
Less than half the cars that you own run.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
Your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
Your idea of fiscal responsibility is having enough money to keep beer in the
fridge and gas in the truck.
You think BMW are the call letters of a radio station.
You have more than three shirts with cut off sleeves.
You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin' contest.
You stare at an orange juice container because it says, "CONCENTRATE".
You were acquitted for murdering your 1st wife after she threw out your Elvis 45s.
You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
You ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
Your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
Your child's first words were "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
Everyone in your family is a Democrat, except little Mary who can read.
You never learned to swim because your gene pool is too small.
You think the OJ Trial is a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle and your grandfather.
A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.
Your pickup has a two-tone paint job -- primer red and primer gray.
Yak can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
Your aunt & your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to
be the widow.
You think the stock market has fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your whole family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to
spare a loved one.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as 'the day my ship came in.'
You mark the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
Your school fight song has "Dueling Banjos".
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
The Home Shopping operator recognized your voice.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You ever scratched your sisters name off a message that begins, "For a good time
call..."
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.
Your honeymoon was in Little Rock.
Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, Y'all watch this!".
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams Jr, & heaven looks a lot like Daytona
Beach, Florida.
You have the word "howdy" in your answering machine message.
You wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.
You've painted a car with house paint.
You ever named a child after a dog.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You've ever walked INTO a restaurant with a toothpick.
You've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
Your kid calls your sister, mom.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes
over.
You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour
faster.
You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You've ever had to knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom.
Your son says, "Dad, can I have a can of mix?"
Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo.
You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
You actually like Spam.
Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house.
You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a
dead skunk.
Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're
only twenty years old.
You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
You cuss and refer to your wife, mother, aunt, and sister with one word.
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend.
You mistake the offering plate for a spit can.
You go to church to pick up women.
You bring your dog with you to church.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
You buy a can of Mountain Dew just for a container to spit tobacco juice in.
Your house gets picked up every week.
If bar-b-que is a daily thing.
You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You've ever held a guy over your head because of a fight over a CB radio.
You think a Ford Mustang is a new breed of horse.
You prefer to sleep in the truck than in your house.
You have heard more than four people say "Your mamma...she's naked!" before
running out of a room with new heart conditions.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
You've ever valet parked a snowplow.
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
You've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's eve party.
You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You've ever mistaken your Aunt Betty for a man.
****************************************************
Three rednecks, Jimmy Ray, Moose, and Possum went fishing one Saturday afternoon.
While racing back to the boat landing, they wrecked the boat and Possum got killed.
The Sheriff's Department, the Water Patrol, and the State Police all came to the
scene of the accident and made out their reports. Then they began to argue about
who had to tell the widow about her loss. Finally Jimmy Ray pops off, " Hell, I've
knowed Possum fer yers. I'll tell his ol' woman!"
There was some dissent, but Jimmy Ray overrode it with declarations like,"Hell's
bells boys! I got more takit an' diplomatcy than the whole State Department. I got
takit and diplomatcy that I ain't even used yet. Ol' Clinton ought ta make me his
Sectary a State. I'd settle all that mess in Yugeslavy and the trouble wi' all them
ragheads afore supper time."
Finally, just to shut him up, every one agreed to let Jimmy Ray break the news to
Possum's wife. A little while later, Jimmy Ray and Moose arrived at Possum's house.
Jimmy Ray knocked on the door. When the lady of the house opened the door, Jimmy
Ray spit tobacco juice on the mat and said; "Air you the Wider Clark?"
To which she replied, " I'm Mrs. Clark, but I'm not a widow."
Jimmy Ray spit again, wiped his mouth on his sleeve & said, "Like hell you ain't!"
Three guys were riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The
driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls
over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We'll get a
DWI." "No, no," the driver says, "just do this: Pull your labels off of your beer
bottles and stick 'em to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all
pull their labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The
policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been
drinking?" The driver says, "No officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on
the patch, trying to quit."
A ventriloquist is working in the Ozarks and during his show a man stands up and
yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-mouth remarks about rednecks being
stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The man replied "I'm talking to that little jerk
sitting on your knee!"
****************************************************
YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHED HED IF ...
1) You had a polka band instead of a string quartet at your wedding reception.
2) You own a cheese-head or -necktie. And have worn it in public. At Lambeau Field
or Milwaukee County Stadium.
3) You say "Ja hey dere once, eh?" more than once a day.
4) You get offended by "Sven and Ollie" jokes.
5) You could polka before you could walk.
6) You went to Sheboygan for your honeymoon.
7) You have flipped off a F.I.B. more than twice in the last week.
8) Your favorite food is HOTDISH.
9) You flew your flag at half mast for a week after the big Oscar Meyer fire of '91.
10) "Second Week in Deer Camp" brings a tear to your eye.
11) You know more than 17 different ways to cook bratwurst.
12) Your mother gave you Leinie's rather than milk in your baby bottle.
13) You have a gnome or a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
14) You get withdrawal symptoms after three days without green jello.
15) You have ever tipped a cow. When sober.
16) You have ever eaten a whole Hillshire Farms Christmas gift pack in one sitting.
17) You drink from a bubbler.
18) You have ever bowled more than 10 consecutive games.
19) You have memorized every line from "Strange Brew."
20) You appeared at Lambeau field wearing only a g-string and green paint.
21) You are related to the national Sheepshead champion.
22) Your family pet is named "Bossie".
23) You have ever had a date with Ms. Dairyland 19xx.
24) You had your wedding reception at a bowling alley.
25) You own the CD of "25 Great Accordion Hits". And can play along with it.
26) Laverne and Shirley are your all-time heroes.
27) You have ever been mistaken for a Yooper.
28) You seldom can remember the week after Oktoberfest.
29) You considered suicide after Paul Molitor got traded.
30) You have ever worn a bowling shirt with your name embroidered on it to church.
31) You have ever spent more than 72 consecutive hours in an ice-fishing hut.
32) You have ordered pizza with sauerkraut on it (more than once)
*****************************************************
Redneck Computer Lingo
"Hard drive" Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a
trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" Place in the truck to hang your rifle rack.
"Floppy" Your store bought teeth after you run out of Polygrip.
"ROM" Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Bit" A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch
longways."
"Byte" First word in a kiss-off phrase. (Byte me, byte my, etc.)
"Modem" How you got rid of your dandelions and johnson grass.
"Reboot" What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard "mud".
"Warm Boot" The condition of your right sock and boot after her husband draws
down on you.
"Hard Boot" When you wake up on the floor with a boot under your ribs after chug
testing grandad's latest batch for smoothness.
"Soft Boot" You put on your boots and realize the cats been in there.
"Network" Activity done to provide bait for your trout line.
"Cursor" What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"Mouse" Soft, fuzzy, thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free keg.
"LAN" To borrow; as in, "Hey Dilbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Digital Control" What yore fingers do with the TV remote.
"Data Packet" What dad will do with a suitcase or garbage bag before a trip.

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